PPD, PTSD, and Anxiety Disorder

The title of this post is more of a warning than an actual title. 

During covid, I had an eye-opening conversation with a co-worker. I will be forever thankful to her. She was the only person in a building of over 100 employees, 15 of which I worked extremely closely with, to tell me the truth. What truth was that? "Why you always gotta be petty?" 

She was right. I never planned to be petty. I thought I was pretty laid back compared to my close peers. I was wrong. 

There have been many things over the years that have caused this unintentional mean girl behavior; some of which is completely on me and some of which I have ZERO control over. 

To start: I have a general anxiety disorder. After years talking to a psychologist, we found out that I was born this way. He actually wants to test me for a couple of things. Mainly high functioning autism and ADHD. I'm pretty sure the autism test is more because I have a son who has a touch of the 'tism. To see him is to look at the male version of me. The other is due to my highs and lows being so extreme. For example, I'm starting this on March 2nd, 2024. I will probably make a few posts over the next couple of days or weeks and then not look at this for a few months or even years. (Sorry reader, that's the way it is sometimes. 😊) 

The next diagnosis came from previous jobs. PTSD. No, I'm not a solider who has been to battle. Frankly, I feel like I'm insulting those who have been in these extreme, life-threatening conditions when I say that diagnosis. Mine is the result of traumatic experiences in different classrooms in different schools. Some of the trauma is from when I was bullied (beaten up on a daily basis in kindergarten by the 8th graders at that school.) Most of the trauma is from teaching in extremely rough areas with students, and more so their parents, who live extremely violent lives. Often times those violent habits come into a place that should be safe. I'll save some of those stories for other posts so I have something to write about.

The last, and most recent, diagnosis came from a blessing that we thought never would happen. PPD. For those that don't know what that stands for, it's Post Partum Depression. I have two amazing children, one son (he will be referred to as DS), and one daughter (she will be referred to as DD). DS was born in 2009 as my honeymoon baby. He was born 9 months after my husband (DH) and I were married, for those that don't know what a honeymoon baby is. 

18 months later we found out, in an extremely odd way, that we were expected a second child. That baby was lost at 6 weeks. Since that point we had 8 more angel babies. Most making not making it into my second trimester. After 10 years of trying, fertility treatments, and all kinds of tests, my fertility expert said it wasn't going to happen. She actually told me that I had entered peri-menopause...at 33. It was heartbreaking, but we didn't know any better. We just accepted the fact that we were only meant to have 1 child. 

Well, God had different plans. 18 days after that diagnosis DD was conceived. Yep, 10 year age difference. The part that I think made God giggle the most was that we just got rid of all the things we we saved from DH that we were planning to use for a second baby over the course of those 18 days. Who said He doesn't have a sense of humor? DD was the most rainbow of rainbow babies we could have after all of the years of little angels. Unfortunately, this also meant that my anxiety and worry about losing her was through the roof for my entire pregnancy. 

I have the supposition that part of the reason my PPD hit so hard and is hanging on so long is because of that stress I put myself under instead of just trusting God and trusting my body to do what it was built for. I'm still a bit over protective of her as compared to my son. 

Well, that's the summary of it all. 3 different anxiety disorders all centered around depression. Some days a good, some are meh, and some are the worst ever. Medication is there to help, but the majority of the work has to be on me. 

My hope is that this blog finds people going through a similar struggle and bringing some comfort to them with the knowledge that they aren't the only one and we're all a little crazy over here.